Friday, August 28, 2015

Dakota's Band LAW: EP Drops on ITunes Today!!!!

Dakota's band LAW dropped their EP on ITunes today: Mild Lawtism

or you can buy the hard copy at Long Beach Records

I cannot express how proud I am of my son or how happy I am for him. To have a dream since you were two 15 year old kids sitting around, and make it come true at 21 years old, is huge. My first baby, my son! 

And the music?: IT'S SO GOOD

Monday, August 24, 2015

Chop Chop, Haircut

i just cut my hair. ten minutes ago in my bathroom. chop chop.

i'm filled with a restlessness this August. frustrated with my body, which is struggling all month to find balance and energy. constant fatigue, swelling, aches, brain fog. i can feel my hormones struggling. i help with exercise and nutrition but my sleep patterns got tangled in the sheets over the summer... 

i want to go to see the Mayan ruins.

i want to travel. i want to see more.

i like to feel peaceful, but i've long learned to accept the moods that sweep over me. i can't should myself into a state of being. diving into the mood, exploring it like an underwater wreck, bringing up what holds its form in the sunlight and air, this is it. the way through, is through.

chop chop.

Friday, August 14, 2015

People In Your Neighborhood

Gina Frangellino writes to the bone in this captivating essay in Dame: Did My Best Friend Really Know Me?

Dakota's band LAW has merchandise

On making 'black twitter' matter after Ferguson. I have followed DeRay since Ferguson and find him amazing.

Navajo Nation mourning after toxic spill- we should all be mourning, and talking about this.

So much wisdom. I want be like her when I grow up. Dominique Browning in NYT.

You had me at mysterious, ancient pyramid.

Please watch this video: Congressman Bill Posey, on recent vaccine information, as he speaks to Congress.

Allison Stiene in Narratively, speaking out for the dead in Ohio hills.

Wil Wheaton speaks on living with mental illness.

The True Glamour of Clarice Lispector in The New Yorker

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Feeling Myself

a good girl in my tax bracket

we went swimming because it's August hot hot, Mr. Curry grabbed me by the crotch and lifted me up up out of blue, but stopped because erections are not friendly at the public pool unless you want to meet the police.

i love this song.
i love being fiercely alive.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

A Rawther Mundane Conversation


i'm almost done my novel.

i'm going to have a first draft by end of August.

maybe sooner.

mr. curry is taking the kids and leaving me alone for an entire day in this house with this computer with Agitate My Heart and i'm taking the bright-red beating heart and shaping it closed

heart-shaped closed

i'm going to drink some and when i type the final sentence i'm going to probably cry and then wail and then scream and dance and call mr. curry crying wailing and screaming and dancing and he's going to have that sound his voice gets when he's really proud and excited and he's going to say sweetheart the way he does and i'm going to ask him to leave the kids at my mom's and come home and throw me on the bed and celebrate naked and half-drunk.


i am somewhat tired of blogging because there aren't enough comments. i really miss the comments. i only comment myself maybe five times a week on blogs, but that's five times more than most people in this comment-less climate of blog, where everyone is too busy commenting on opinion pieces like if suburban wives have too much or too little sex, or if oysters should be slurped and is it really appropriate for boys to have testicles after all or should the x go next to the o or really we  need to consider the lobster-

so i have more views now, so many and years ago i thought that's what i wanted, on a chirpy bloggy day when i post at the 'right time' i can get 1000 page views, but three comments

i'd rather have half the page views and ten or twenty comments

however i'm an irregular blogger and it's the consistent ones who get good comment,
yeah, i know that.


dakota's band LAW is becoming a big deal and i'm SO PROUD OF MY SON that it makes my entire heart feel two sizes too large. their second song just came out on Bandcamp and it's called Getting By and they have some insane amount of plays already and Sublime FB shared their song ( Jake the lead singer is Sublime's former, now deceased, son ) and that send it into the stratosphere. they worked so hard on these tracks. dakota and jake have been playing together since dakota was 16! 

here's the song and you can find it on You-Tube also


i am working as a copywriter, content producer AND virtual assistant right now. 

i want a job as a content provider or staff writer at at least 32 hours a week, a job i kick ass at.


i watched these documentaries last night that i loved. one was on Philip Roth ( one of my top five fav. novelists ) and one on Alice Walker. Here they are.


our cat Maybelle is pregnant. we found this out mid surgical attempt to spay her. the vet called and said UM YOUR CAT IS PREGNANT STUPID


our dog has worms of undetermined kind. i am taking a poop sample to the vet tomorrow. meanwhile bathed both animals today and washed all sheets and bedding and the couch covers and vacuumed and cleaned and grocery shopped


so it goes

Monday, June 29, 2015

baby angel pierced my heart

oh Ever Elizabeth.

four years old.

you write your name, like this: EvEr

you told me, when pulling off your own shirt for the first time, mommy i am taking my own path. i'm going my own way and you have to let me, ok?

i know i have to let you, but not just yet.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Dakota is 21 Today

Happy Birthday my boy. We celebrated our hearts out yesterday and today is quiet. I am remembering the day you were born. I can never forget.

This is a poem I wrote for Dakota years ago.

you came to stand on my tailbone,
x-ray white heel on an angry nerve cluster
a fist in the whaling arc of rib. i could feel you
in there - this is when i understood alive

understood i was alive. i lay on the couch at night 
full in belly and face, half open books across your skull
erupting from my left side, a bud
erupting from the soil, already breaking open

everything. every night, i cried, and prayed, and wrote
and every night recognized a little more the essential
draw of parenthood: life goes on, life goes on.
i had sank more than halfway down the tunnel, 

i had touched the bottom with my fingertips.
the very existence of you meant
life was not beyond repair. you are nineteen,
and nothing has been good, or safe

i had sank more than halfway down
when my breasts swelled up like tulips in Spring
the nipples rosy and dripping with early rain,
and Mom said ' Do you think you might be pregnant?'

you are nineteen, 
and you will make the best decision of your life
one of us born for the other, 
which one, i do not know.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

The What's Underneath Project: Domino Kirke

I love Jemima Kirke's presence in culture- hence my Jemima Kirke Pinterest page. This is one of her sisters, Domino Kirke, participating in an awesome series called The What's Underneath Project. You can watch them on You-Tube, and they include transgendered, gay and lesbian, various ethnicities of human beings discussing themselves in a very intimate way while removing clothes. At first this conceit annoyed me- I always gravitate against structure and set up- but as I watched these, I saw how it worked. The people being 'interviewed' feel more vulnerable as they remove their clothes, and this works its way inward and allows them to express themselves in a more honest and tender way. It's really beautiful. 

Domino's interview is one of my favorites. Her answers remind me of things I feel and think, as does her seeking. I love her tattoos, too :)

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

I'm So Excited ( & I Just Can't Hide It )

I can't sleep because I'm too excited. I'm excited because I have a poem in Guernica today called Robot Nurse. I'm excited because I have four kids that are all doing really wonderfully in four very different ways. I'm excited because they are alive, and here, and I get to see them and talk to them all the time. I'm excited because I am writing all the time. I'm excited because my novel is one chapter from being first draft done. I'm excited because this is the summer I'll finish the first draft of my novel oh fucking oh! I'm excited because I love my mom and I get to see her all the time. I'm excited because I love my friends and Taymar and her baby Benny are coming to stay with us soon. I'm excited because Dakota turns 21 and next weekend we are having a BBQ for him. I'm excited because the summer in San Diego is so gobsmackingly beautiful. I'm excited because Ever has a trampoline ( thank you, Craigslist ) with netting and a pool and a sandbox and friends that live nearby so she's pretty much 100. I'm excited because I keep finding amazing new music. I'm excited because my ass looks great and I've worked really hard to get it there. I'm excited because I'm reading great books even thought they are often wickedly depressing- right now I'm reading Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee and if I ever, ever wanted to hold onto to any romantic inkling of our beginnings, this book is crushing that out like so many lives and lights were crushed forever in the 1800's. I'm excited because I'm 40 and I love being 40. I'm excited because Ever is so adorable that I often look at her and feel a sense of disbelief that she is real. Her voice is like the kind of voice you imagine the cutest little girl in the world having. I'm excited because Ever is my last baby and she's still SO very little, and I still have so much littleness to soak up with her. I'm excited because Mr. Curry is sexy. I'm excited because when I imagine being alone with him in some romantic location, I still get that butterflies, I could die in your arms and be happy feeling. I really do. I am excited because I'm this close to being in tears. I'm excited because I can feel it in the air tonight. I'm excited because I'm overstimulated, overcaffinated, neurotic and most assuredly going through peri-menopause. I'm excited because the world is so fascinating and beautiful and then I'm desperately horror stricken because it's so awful and wicked and full of suffering. I'm excited because a tiny part of me is still hoping for some kind of magic when we die. I'm excited despite the fact that 98% of me believes that to be false. 

Now I'm anxious again.